Creeping

So today my school went into a lock down because they thought that somebody with a gun was near our school. Turns out, it was actually just a car backfiriing. Woo. There went my one chance of excitement.

Anyways, so I was talking about that blonde whom I appear to grow a crush for, which is weird. I’ve come to realize that she isn’t technically blond since her roots aren’t blond, they’re black. Somehow… I should be disappointed, and I am. Yet my mind is forcing that reality back and is trying to make me think that her hair is magical still. It’s like my mind wants me to keep my focus on her still, even though it knows that I’m very superficial.

Today (lol) was weird. During fourth period, I noticed that she was staring at me, and I couldn’t help but to look back. I was trying very hard not to, but it got the best of me. She creeped me out… I was supposed to be the one doing that! How dare she! I think she caught on to me creepily staring at her, and I guess it’s kind of my fault for obviously doing it. I don’t know if I’m deaf or not, but I think I heard her say something about me being a creeper. And that makes me feel sad.

I told my friend about that situation and she said that she “liked” me. The only problem with this is that my friend doesn’t even know who this girl is and her behavior. Trust me on this, we [probably] have nothing in common. Then again, I do get along well with people who I don’t share things in common with, it’s just that I have difficulty starting a conversation. That’s always the cause, huh? I don’t know what I meant by that.

I don’t like getting my hopes up because that’s what I’ve been doing all these years. I have expectations of something, it goes the other way, and once again I’m dissatisfied. I’m too shy to approach strangers and I always imagine the terrible things that might happen if I did. So I’m hoping this small little crush goes away soon. Maybe it’ll make this year go a lot quicker.

 

If you guys must know, her name is Justis (pronounced Justice). Her writing is terrible, maybe even worst that mine.

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Dedication

Today, I registered for school and got my schedule. It was all nice until the last period, which was Computer Application.

What? ._.

I had signed up for Psychology and Sociology which would take up my sixth period. How did my friend get Psychology and not me? Did that many people join Psychology? How can that happen? What terrible luck do I have. Well, I put the class change slip inside the box and now I’m hoping for the best. Right now, I don’t care if I can’t join Psychology anymore, I just want to get out of Computer Application. Seriously… I don’t want to learn about computers. I already know what to do on a computer and that’s enough for me. I don’t need any mumbo jumbo stuff. Actually, I don’t even know what Computer Application is. Hah.

Oh, by the way, I couldn’t sleep because of  a very rare case of insomnia. I tried to tire myself out by working out at three in the morning. What a terrible idea because I woke up at seven feeling terribly ill. I stood in line for registration, feeling as if I was about to throw up at any second.

Hah, and I totally missed my expectation. Oh woe is me. I didn’t walk to school due to the fact that I felt like crap.

Anywho, I had signed up for violin once again. I played the violin back in fourth to fifth grade, but I gave up because I didn’t have the motivation to play it. Well, now I’m giving my dedication to this violin and to school as I try as hard as (three as’s lol) I can. Which means less time on the computer during school days. I’m trying to figure out a schedule where I could accept it and not ignore it.

Ah, I got a new violin. Because my old one was for “babies” says the Korean lady at the music store. We got this for $280 plus tax since we paid it by credit card. I totally forgot to ask them for those guide books. I just called it a guide book, wow. I wanted to get a bit used to the violin before I actually restart my lessons. Oh, well. I guessed I’ll just get use to holding it. I checked on how to hold a bow, and gosh did I laugh. But I seriously held it like that. I feel awkward.

My current goal for my violin dedication is to try to play the titanic theme song again. That was one song that I loved playing. I lost the music sheet for it though. Bummer.

Before I finish, what is Computer Application?

The Mindfully Ill

From the start of six grade, I have thought of a wild world. It wasn’t fully developed and I took a lot of ideas from Pokemon and Digimon. Yeah, hah! After seventh grade, I did some cleaning up and actually started to create my own characters. That… was when I made Natasha.

She didn’t have a last name until ninth grade. Her name was Natasha Krozamine of the Krozamine clan. One of the two last survivors. She stood at 5’7”. She has ruby eyes, blonde, and was a master of swordplay. And, one of the personality that got me into developing her even more, she was obsessed with the captain of the Alias–Elise Suzane.

Ironically, I became obsessed with her. To me, she was the perfect person. I began losing all interest in the human body if they weren’t like Natasha. Then, I didn’t notice it myself either. I lost touch with human relationship. I tend to lie to myself that I liked somebody; forcing myself knowing in my head that I’ll never like them. And you know what? I think I’ll never be able to find somebody like Natasha. In my mind, I’ll probably be alone for the rest of my life, but in my heart, I don’t care.

I don’t think I’ve ever said it on the blog yet, but I’ve been depressed since seventh grade. It’s not minor, it’s not major. It actually gotten down to the minor zone. I never said this to anyone, but I’m the type who tends to not rely on others when it comes to personal stuff. Not even my own family. Have I ever contemplated suicide? Yes. Have I ever attempted? Yes. I just hope nobody in my family reads this. I mean, I’m not what I used to be anymore. It was worse in intermediate, and I guessed I have a great skill in acting to be able to go through school without tearing up… most of the time. Well, if you’re wondering how this has to add up with Natasha, then here: If it wasn’t for Natasha, I would’ve given up times ago.

Funny, huh? A made up character saving my life.

Since seventh grade, Natasha was in my mind every day. I talked to her like a normal person, listened to her talk about Elise. Basically, it’s a win-win situation. I get to learn more about Natasha, Elise, the other characters around her, and I get to actually talk my true feelings to her. I don’t know why, but when I talk to a character I made up, I think that she would usually say something that I would want her to say. Although I feel as if she isn’t even connected to my brain. She speaks out her own.

I learn something new about her every day. Like how her favorite fruit is the dragon fruit (the pitaya).

Should I be calling Natasha my imaginary friend? I don’t know. I mean, I don’t talk to her in real life. She’s all in my head. Am I obsessed? I know I am. However, I can’t see her in real-life, only in my mind.

And now, I’m going to write something that I’ve been longing for.

I’m in love with my own creation and I don’t care.